GainesvilleMoms.com

ok this might turn out to be a very long story but i really really need advice & i am sorry in advance. My oldest will be 17 in a day, well we have been having some major issues at home.

Let's see where to even begin, stealing from us, her sister & her friends (makeup/cash/mp3 & not even sure what else), running away for a few hours, getting caught shoplifting at the mall & is now banned, cursing, hitting her sister, calling me a 'B' & telling us to 'F-off', calling her sister horrible names at school in front of her friends, as well as her stating that she 'hates us'. It has just gotten so bad in the last 3 yrs that i feel like i have pulled all my hair out already. About 7 weeks ago she wanted to take my car to see her boyfriend a 35 min drive away, i told her no that i didn't want her to drive out there by herself. We will just say, she got really mad, slammed her door after calling me every name in the book, packed up her clothes & some make-up, walked to the front door & said she was moving in with my mom. I was in total shock & really didn't know what to say or do at that moment. So w/out causing a scene i told her that i loved her & to call me when she got to my moms (a 3 block walk away). She looked back at me, rolled her eyes, walked out & slammed the front door behind her. So, that was 7 weeks ago & her b-day is Sat. This is the first b-day that she will not b home with me. So i have to go to my mom's for the cook-out & act like everything is fine, knowing all along that my entire family knows what is going on & that my daughter moved out. I personally don't care what they think of me as a mother - i know i have done everything i can possibly think of. (including counseling, anger management classes for her as well as theft awareness class). Ok, so here is the kicker, after asking for almost the first 3 weeks straight about when she wants to come home & only getting 'not yet' out of her i decided not to push her but to give her time & let her decide. Am I WRONG??? Should i make her do something she doesn't want to do? Should i beg her to come back home? She does call me almost everyday & wants to talk, but about nothing in general other then wanting to know what i am doing & what am i making for dinner & so on, but i always always tell her i love her b4 we hang up & she has finally started to tell me it back these last few weeks. We even talked about her b-day coming up earlier this week & i told her that i was really missing her & wished she was gonna b home for it, she said she knows & that she realizes this is the first one that she won't b home for but wished she was. I told her she was always welcomed home but that we needed to talk things out & try to get a handle on what was going on with us & she agreed with me.

I know 'God' only gives what we can handle & honestly, my plate is over-loaded right now. I just can't take anymore. Sometimes i want to scream & sometimes i want to just cry. I know i have to be strong & all that & i have to be there for my other daughter & my husband. They just tell me to back-off & not to let her get to me so much. If she wants to live with her grandmother then let her, they say the house is now "peaceful" & they don't want it to be like it was. I am torn between everyone & i just can't take much more.

How can i fix things between my daughter & i? Counseling doesn't help if she is not willing to talk to me. We have already tried it.

-HBM-

I've walked in your shoes and it is a really rough journey. But, you can make it! Hang in there!

Couple of questions . . . Have you had your daughter evaluated by a physchiatrist? Has the stealing and trouble-making stopped now that she is living elsewhere?

-- Jen

I am certainly no expert, as I only have young children myself. I just thought I would offer an outside perspective. From everything you've said in your post, I must agree with your husband and younger daughter. Continue to allow your 17 year old to have her space. As long as her grandmother is willing to continue housing and caring for her, let it be. (Of course provided she isn't continuing to steal/lie etc.) Focus on your relationship with your other daughter and your husband. Enjoy the phone calls from your older daughter as much as possible, but don't beg her to come back.

If you ask me, begging her to come back will only give her the illusion that she is in control. Let her know that she is more than welcome back into the house once she feels she can get along with everyone. Lay down the rules and stick to them.

How are her grades and attendance in school? Is your mom giving her free reign or has she set some boundaries? Jeez, you've got it tough. I hope my kids grow up to be good teens. I agree with Casmly though. If she has rules at granny's and she's following those rules.. ie, not sneaking out with boyfriend or coming home at all hours and granny doesn't mind, then let her stay. You've got your marriage and other daughter to think about too and it sounds like the situation is at least stabilized with her staying down the road.

I was much like your daughter when I was a teenager. My parents tried everything with me. After taking me to see a psychiatrist they determined I was depressed and acting out because of it. After being on anti-depressants I got better, it did take awhile. I would reccomend having her evaluated also. Some of the things she is doing can be "normal" teen behavior,but if has been going on that long there is probably more to it.

I started on this mom site for the same reason as you did. My teen was out of control. As a matter of fact you can look back still in the "mom to mom' section under 'general chat' and go back to April 28th there is a post called "A cry for Help...can we help" and that was me 7 months ago. I was just were you are...except my daughter couldn't drive yet...

SO my advice...well read that entry and then you will have peace in knowing your not a 'bad' mom, and that some kids have issues no matter how much we are there for them and no matter what type of mom you are. I know I was embarrassed all the time when my daughter would act out. I used to think that people all over thought I was a terrible mom. But I wasn't..and I know that now.

So how is it with my daughter and what did I end up doing that worked?? To be honest I didn't do anything different. We did the whole counseling path too, but of course she would not talk and I could only go so long by myself. So...I was just consistent...for almost 4 years!! My whole family took a beating through this time...I just immersed my daughter in 'family ' activities. She ended up with everything taken a way from her. What finally turned her around the last corner was a week long summer retreat at our church. Since that day...which was just this summer...she has been trying..and that is what is different...all of a sudden she has begun to care about more than just herself. Don't get me wrong, it's not all lollipops and roses here yet but we are much more of a family and MUCH better off than we were. I will send you a PM with my email address so that you can contact me. I know what you are going through...almost feeling like you are being asked to choose your daughter or your family...my family, (I have a husband and two other daughters) was just finished with all the fighting too. And the house was so nice and peaceful and happy when my 15 year old was away...

SO please email me and if nothing else you can have my # to call when you just need someone to get you through a moment...

Look for my pm...I will send it now..

Good Luck

PS...I will add that in the initial post on April 28th it was a letter I had written and was posted by the mediator of this site at the time, and in my letter my family names were changed..

My personal opinion is that you have done your best, and that she is almost of the age where she is a legal adult. As long as her grandmother is keeping reign on her, and both of them are happy with whatever rules are set there, then you are free to just let it lie. You know she is safe and don't need the stress of the whole situation.

Sometimes no matter what you do, teenagers choose the hard, rough road in life. Most outgrow it, and they look back years later to realize what they put everyone through and that their parents weren't horrible people. It sounds like she wants to feel like more of an adult. My mother used to say, "I've taught you everything I can and tried to keep you from making the mistakes I did. I will always love you, but you are old enough to make decisions for your life, and if you choose bad ones, then you have to live with the consequences. That doesn't mean I will not be available for advice or help, but you make the choices. I will pray for you to make good ones."

As difficult as it is for you to let go, it sounds like the best course of action is to enjoy the family you have in your home, and let your daughter continue calling knowing that you love her. Sometimes it is too much to live with someone, but once we are away from that person...we realize what we missed, or we know that this is a better arrangement and it doesn't mean we can't see each other. We just have a hard time at the moment living under the same roof. (Invite her out for a special, no recrimination, just for fun since you are almost an adult and going to make decisions for yourself type activity...just mother and daughter enjoying a couple hours together.)

Golly, this went long. Sorry. I just wrote my first reactions and thoughts. Hope some of it helps.
Allyssa

I don't know what to add to what was already posted by other moms on this site. But my first thoughts were to let her stay with your mom for the time being and not pressure her to come home. At least you know she is close by and has a home. How is your mom with her there? Has she noticed any changes for the better? Also, someone else posted about depression and that came to my mind, too. If you are able, I would seek to have her checked for that. I'll be sure to pray for all of you as you go through this tough time! I can't imagine what you must be going through.

I thought of something else. Don't think this is me saying you reflect this family, but parts of it do remind me of your situation (daughter causing so much trouble--one sent to live with a family friend, and one given lots of counseling plus more).
When I was in high school, a girl came to live with us for most of the year. She was a friend of my sister's, but mostly because my mom and her mom had been friends since high school. This girl, Laura, was becoming extremely disruptive in her home. Mostly it was because she had a younger sister that had always been extremely rude, cruel, mean to everyone, including us when we would visit, you name it, it was the younger sister. The family struggled with this younger child, until finally Laura started taking things into her own hands, acting out, running away, acting just like her sister. That is when she came to live with us. We took her to church and school with us where she made some friends. Mostly we showed her a family that got along and loved each other. That doesn't mean that she never saw me or my siblings argue, but she saw what a family should be more like.
Laura went back home within the year after her parents had done whatever for the younger sister. I don't know all the specifics, but I remember there was a lot of one-on-one, couseling, etc. Laura was included in some of the couseling when she went back, and as far as I know, didn't cause any of the trouble that she had been in before. She mostly needed to be away from the problems in her family, and let her family deal with her sister. Laura has just this month gotten married.

Wow, I have to admit when I was that age I made my mothers life miserable. If Fl. had what Nebraska has now she would have dropped me off for surrender. It wasn't until I left home and moved in with a friend that I learned how horrible I was, I never stole, I was just a big pain in the butt-
Some advice I've learned from Oprah and my mother, now that I am a mom, is that you and your husband are a team- you have to stick together and the children do not come before your relationship. If things are more peaceful with her away than that is probably best, but I have to agree a visit to counseling may help as well as anti depressants may really be what she needs. Sometimes when they're this age you do have to let go some to protect your marriage and your younger children. You should definitely be willing to listen to her and if she wants to come back then there must be rules and consequences- if she can't act as she's part of the team with the family then she has to go back to grama's or somewhere else. Granted I'm also the mother of only a young child but I think this is what my mother did for me and I can say we finally became great friends, plus me maturing some helped, but there is not one day that I don't talk to her now. Good luck!

HeartBrokenMom, I am so sorry to hear about your family situation and struggles. I can't even imagine having to handle such a tough situation. I know that your family probably likes the peace that's come to your home, but I know what you mean about not wanting to just let your daughter go live somewhere else and do her own thing. I mean, that's your baby, and I'm sure you miss her very much, despite all the problems.

But it sounds like your relationship may be getting better now that you have both had some time apart from eachother. Maybe she is even starting to realize how important you really are to her. If she's calling you every day, that's a wonderful step in the right direction.

My older sister and our parents always seemed to clash a bit when she was living at home. But when she moved out after highschool, their relationship seemed to grow so much stronger.

Maybe your daughter just needed a change, a few weeks to take a look at her life. But like the other moms have said, I think it's importnat to make sure your daughter does have rules at your mom's house. I'm sure the party is going to be difficult. But maybe you could just try to look at it as a fresh start.

You are such a wonderful mom for trying to keep your family together. You have tried so many different options, and I hope that things calm down for you and your family soon. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

There has been so much good advice and understanding given already that I can't think of anything to add. It sounds like you are in good hands with some qualified moms who have walked a teenage mile in your shoes so let them take care of you and give you the support. Don't feel guilty for asking for help and don't ever feel ashamed that things are tough...we all have those times and if not, they are coming.

heartbrokenmom we would love to hear an update.

I am for sure no expert in this, even if I have worked with teens for many years long time ago. Its seems that all the mom's here has given you a number of good (and repeated) advise. It should be something to be considered.

I have to agree that by being away, things seem to have got better all around. It maybe that she did need some time away and maybe your mom is doing something different to help her (although we would like to know ).

I can remember when Karen first came on board with nearly the same issue. I honestly do beleive that church and being with good christian friends, but mostly God heard Karen's cry that things turned out for good. It was like a whole turn around.

All I can say is put your trust and faith in God. He hears you. He knows what is going on...and He will stand by you all the way. He already has a plan...just trust Him.

We will continue to keep you in our prayers and thoughts...and as Karen said, do give us an update. We will be here for you no matter what.

update.....things have not gotten any better, i got a call Fri from her school, seems as tho she is 'cutting' herself...not bad but bad enuff for a teacher to notice & the counselor to call me. she is getting daily counseling at school & seems to be opening up with them, which i think is a great thing. also, she has informed them that she is living with my mom. but i did find out by talking to the counselor myself that i was basically correct, she thinks i luv her sister more then her. see - i have been fighting her sister's father in court for almost 14 yrs over visitation & such (he is a drug addict & an abusive alcoholic) who has just been released from prison after only serving 7 months, so now i have that to deal with as well as everything else. i have asked my oldest if she would be willing to go to counseling with just me so we can work on things together, she said no that she would not talk to them. i even asked about going to church with me, she turned me down on that too. her 17th bday was this past weekend, she never came home like she said she wanted too. after i got home from her family party i went to take a shower & sat in the tub just so i could cry it out. i don't want my husband or my youngest to see me when i am like that, let alone any1 else.

yes mom has her doing a lil bit of chores so to me that is good cuz i always got a fight out of her to keep up with her room & to keep her bathroom clean.

also, she was diagnosed with ADHD when she was in kindergarten & was on different meds up until age 11 & no i do not want her back on them.

she is still calling me daily but now she is asking for money for different things (cell phone minutes & so on) as well as asking for my car which i am still saying no too. i pre-pay her minutes for the month & give her $20 a week for lunch money, i finally told her today when she called to ask her nanny to do some small jobs for her to earn it, it's what i would make her do if she were home. oh & this past Sun she called needing jeans cuz she was down to 1 pair, i told her & her sister i would take them for a few pairs but that i was on a budget of $50 & no more & that all we were buying were jeans, well i spent $200 total & they both got 1 pair of jeans, new shoes, jacket, shirts...i just let her bully me into letting her have what she wanted & then i felt guilty so i let my youngest get them as well. man do i feel bad now too. still haven't told the hubby.

let's see other then all that in the last couple of days since i wrote in the 1st time i did finally talk to my mom, she said i know what this is all about & that only my daughter & i can work it out. & that my daughtyer said she will not move back home until things change, she said she knows that when she does move back home that things will b good for a while then go back to the way they were. i just HATE having my mother in the middle of it....if ya'll only new my past with my mom you would understand why.

every1 says i have done my best & that i am a good mom - then y do i feel like i failed when it comes to her? my youngest thinks i'm awesome but she has always been like that with me 'mommy's lil girl'.

there has just been so much going on that i really don't even know where to begin.

-HBM-