GainesvilleMoms.com

Hi fellow moms,
As a mother of a teenager (14, girl) I've heard all the warnings from parents who have survived the teenage years and I've been bracing myself for the monster within.

Nothing.

Sure, she can be moody, but who isn't? And it usually takes a few gentle questions about what her best friend has been up to, or her latest favorite band to bring her around.

Am I fooling myself? Let me know.

A working mom of a singleton.

I have a son that is 14. He will be 15 in Nov. I keep bracing for the horror, but have seen very little. He has always been a really good kid, but everyone keeps telling me to "just wait." Maybe he is a late bloomer. I just count my many blessings that he is good because I think that my daughter, almost 2, will be a different story.

I think part of having a 'good kid' has to do with developing good communication with them early on.

When my daughter was in elementary school, our after-school conversations would go something like this: what did you have for lunch? who did you sit with? what did they eat? what is this straw doing in your hair? on and on...

Her answers were hilarious and I felt like I knew all her friends and their quirks.

We have similar conversations today and she still doesn't mind my 20 questions. I think she's used to it.

Gotta love 'em.

It's hard to figure out. I have two teenage daughters. Both raised in the exact same household. One daughter has been no real trouble at all. My 15 year old, who is also my middle child, has been going through the toughest 2 years of our lives. She changed almost overnight. She went from a sparkly, happy-go-lucky, smiling girl to a girl that wanted to wear all black, listen to unacceptable music and began having ZERO respect for anyone. She was terrible to be around. She was embarrassing. It has taken EVERY bone of love and commitment to her to get through these years. She has told me she hated me for the first time. I have cried...and cried...and cried. FINALLY it seems we are coming back around and she has lately been apologizing for her past actions. The other day she heard a teen in Walmart giving his mom a hard time and she asked "was I like that?'. I just looked at her and she said "boy mom, I really am sorry". So now that we are seeing some light I can say that it was definetly other kids influences that caused her initial change...then rebellion took over. All I can say is it happens to some and not to all. If you find your teen changing...beware. If you catch them in ONE lie then they have probably gotten away with several already and you need to act fast. I learned that one lie is cause enough for all trust to be gone. We took everything from her...one by one...computer, sterio, tv, cell phone,make up, designer clothes, hair straighteners/irons and jewelery. We stayed the course...kept her in church and loved her always. We are not all clear yet but I can definetly see the changes in her.....parenting is the toughest most important job we will ever have...

I don't remember going through that phase myself, but my youngest sister went through this horrible angry stage where my mother couldn't ask her anything without it turning into an argument.

After a couple of years, she outgrew it. My mother never allowed the anger to come between them.

I'm sure there was a period of transition, but it seems like one day my sister just emerged from under a cloud.

quote:

Originally posted by klmorg:
We are not all clear yet but I can definetly see the changes in her.....parenting is the toughest most important job we will ever have...

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God bless you! As I was reading your post I kept thinking about how all teens (especially girls, I personally believe) go thru those tough few years of trying to show how independent they THINK they are. And that having to prove themselves often translates into anger towards Mom (the one they want to distance themselves from during that rebellious period).

But when you mentioned the "all black" and other such things, I began to worry. I spent 9 years teaching in the Tampa schools. I taught everything from remedial reading to advanced reading (S.A.T. Prep for mostly gifted and honors students). I will tell you that I NEVER had one student who wore "all black" that was not having some serious emotional problems.

I am not trying to scare you. In fact, I am so impressed with how you've handled your daughter (while showing her how much you love her).

The children I taught who seemed to "change" overnight (they began wearing all black, started hanging around with new groups of kids who weren't happy and who often got in some minor problems....many of them were very bright, though)....it was obvious they were not content. There was a sadness to them. And what I found with many of them (not all, of course) is that things were not right at home. Most had very dysfunctional family lives.

Your daughter obviously does not have a lousy family life, but I have to wonder if the kids she's surrounded herself with DO. Peer groups have some tremendous influence over children so it's imparitive (as you probably know) to monitor with whom your daughter "hangs with."

Our daughter went thru some difficult moments when she was 11, but they weren't serious (just really difficult for my emotions). She was embarrassed by us (especially her mother, which is normal pre-teen/teen behavior) but it got to the point where she verged on being rude. I found that by automatically forgiving the behavior/attitude, it only got worse. We took the punishment route and let her know that her attitude would NOT be tolerated. And she was made to be seen with big, bad mom! And, like you, I did my best to make sure she knew she was loved and wanted in all our family activites.

Thanksfully, that dark period has passed; she's now 13, seldom embarrassed by me (although I try), she's happier, more confident and we are so pleased that she's surrounded by really GOOD kids (they all appear to be close to their families and come from happy families).

I am so happy (and again...impressed) that you took your daughter's CHANGE in attitude and appearance seriously. I hope that there will come a time I know a student who dresses in all black who doesn't seem unhappy and searching desperately to be "different' (because s/he doesn't feel as though she fits in), but after 9 years in the secondary schools, I am beginning to think the "black" is just one more sign of an unhappy kid who is lost (hopefully just temporarily "lost").

Best of luck to you, Klmorg. Keep your daughter involved in family activities whether she wants to be involved or not. Keep her in church (may I suggest the church's youth group, if she isn't already involved?). If you need a good one, try the one at the Pyrspeterian (sp?) church across from Westwood Middle School; it's not my religion, but it's a fun and WONDERFUL group (I believe it's called "Wild Life").

And stick to whatever punishment you dole out; that was my downfall in the past (not following thru on what I said I would do). And if all else fails (it doesn't sound as though that's your case, though), please consider couseling WITH your daughter. Being willing to go with her (especially since a kid problem is really just a family problem). Your willingness to go, too, would show her how much you love her and are there for her, even though she'd probably protest loudly.

Another easier suggestion is to do as I do; I make myself lie down with each child each night (usually 20 min each). I have found that by lying quietly on my daughter's bed with her in the dark, she opens up more. We talk, we laugh and we never argue. Sometimes we just tell jokes, but whatever we have done during those 20 minutes does seem to have brought us closer. It's a great way for a child to open up; I have learned things about my daughter and her friends (her attitude about things, such as boys, drug use, cigarette use, etc) that I may not have learned otherwise. And as a mom, those 20 minutes each night are TRULY quality time; I wouldn't give them up for anything!

Again, God bless, and keep your chin up. If you handle this well (which you seem to be doing), you'll continue to see even more light at the end of the tunnel. But you are correct; parenting is a TOUGH job...but only if you do it right!

Thanks FLNonny...

I actually have been in counseling with my daughter, we are not presently but we did try that route, unfortunately with her she was so rebellious at the time that she would not talk but at least our effort as parents let her know we cared. We tried 4 counselors all together and then one psychiatrist but none seemed to be able to 'get through'. It just ended up taking good old love, consistensy and tough parenting. I had to make her really mad at me to show her I wasn't giving up. And yes you are right about her hanging around the wrong crowd and about the kids she was hanging around being unhappy and troublemakers. I would not give in to the all black phase. I allowed her some but not all and stopped completely at the fingernails being black. I allowed her purple fingernails. It was scary when she was associating with this tough crowd. I did not allow her around them outside of school. She would ask, but I am the mom that meets and visits before she lets her child go with another. I met two of the other kids families and dysfunctional was too light of a word, scary and sad does a little more justice. These poor kids had no parents. They were too caught up in themselves and the kids would go and come as they chose and do whatever they wanted. She has actually come full circle with the friends issue and now has begun new friendships with a much more desirable group at school. The original group of kids she was hanging around with in 7th and 8th grade have all been arrested or dropped out with the exception of a few that remain in school but still in constant trouble. She is involved in our churches youth group. It is also awesome. They just got back from a youth mission trip to Lake Yale where they were the camp workers for a youth camp for orphans between 4 and 11. She had a blast and has began some great relationships with the church youth. They will be working at another youth camp in July as well as working during our churches youth camp this summer too. Her older sister is a member of our churches youth praise and worship team and while she doesn't sing or play an instrument she has decided to learn how to do the sound board so she has been learning that for the past few weeks too. She still gets angry sometimes...but it sure is nice to see her smiling more and more. Plus we hit up that Goody's going out of business sale Sunday before last and she bought some nice colorful clothes !!

Thanks again for all your advice and support...it makes a world of difference when things are tough to know someone else understands.

We love Lake Yale!!!

I am the mother of a beautiful, bright, wonderful, did i mention, moody, at times cranky, 15 year old daughter. she is everything i could have ever wished for and at the same time, my worst nightmare! guess what, she is a NORMAL teenager.

the best advice my mother ever gave me was a week or so after she was born. mother told me to always remember God did not intend for me to be my daughter's friend, he has instructed me to be her mother. that means we will not always get along, we will not always agree, we will probably fight, a lot. but we will always love each other.

at 15, we are testing the curfew limits, who she is allowed to ride in a vehicle with, where she is allowed to be without adult supervision. we are also struggling with what is appropriate attire, this one is nothing new. i've always tried to be flexible here, but with shorter shorts and micro mini skirts and her long legs, i find us butting heads more and more. it's not easy, but parenting in general is not. i see her growing into her own person, with different ideas about some things than mine. we talk, we shout, we cry, we laugh. we are normal!

but the funny thing is, when we close our eyes at night, regardless of whether we are under the same roof or not, we both rest easy knowing noone loves either of us more than each other.

Yes softballmom...Lake Yale was awesome and we would go again in a heartbeat. My kids were amazed at the 250 orphans they were there to assist with. They couldn't stop talking about how sweet and appreciative they were. What a great lesson in humanity and selfless giving for our kids it was!!

I wonder, is it just teenage daughters that are so troublesome? Because I helped raised my stepkids, and the boy...not too much trouble at all, but the girls...wow, different story. Big troubles, that went on for months at a stretch. But with each, I just held my ground, refused to cave in, upheld our family's standards for decency, propriety and respect, and when the youngest moved out in a fury, we even went through a period of estrangement for a few months and she was not allowed to see her baby brother. Sounds awful, I know, but I now had a toddler to consider and her actions (as they were) could have affected him, which I could not and would not allow. After a few months of silence on my part, she showed up at my office in tears one day, with a letter of apology and a bundle of roses for me. We talked over the course of several weeks and finally got things back on track. But that was a rough summer I do not want to ever repeat. She just had her first baby last Thursday and I'm so glad now that we got things worked out...she's seeing the light a little differently, even more so now that she's a new mom herself. So true, the toughest job you'll ever love...