GainesvilleMoms.com

A few moms have asked me for resources for their children who are going through (along with the parents) a divorce or separation. Do you have any suggestions for moms dealing with this? Can you share your experiences?

Every experience is so different. Mine was not an easy one. My ex husband, the biological father of my two oldest, is a drug user and all around bad guy. He wasn't a drug user until after we had been together for nine years. I was ignorant and niave for the next three years and after twelve years and two beautiful little girls I finally divorced him. The girls were 5 and 6 years old. Ironically, a little over a year after my divorce, I married a cop!! My ex has not seen his kids or paid child support since May of 1999. He had supervised visitation only due to his drug use. The day I told him I was remarrying he never attempted to see his girls again. They have had a terrible time with it, but about 1 year ago he stopped by my husbands office, at the Sheriffs Office, and said he needed to see me. I didn't see him but I did talk to him on the phone and told him he should at least talk to the girls and attempt to tell them that it wasn't their fault that he didn't ever see them. He said he just wanted to see me to 'catch up'. Needless to say I didn't see him. He was abusive and had attempted to corner me and stalk me before so I have no need to see him or speak to him unless it is about the girls. I worry that the girls will seek male approval from the wrong places. My husband, their step dad has a good bond with my 16 year old but the relationship he has with my 15 year old still struggles. My best advice for the children of divorce is to constantly, repititiously, for years and years to come tell them that they are not to blame...they are loved...they are not to blame. That you are glad you had them. Don't discuss your exes downfalls with your kids or let them hear you bad mouthing them. I didn't tell my girls anything negative about their father until it became a safty issue and there were things they needed to know. I have never lied to them about him either. As they got older and would ask me a direct question..like "Did he ever hit you?" I answered honestly. I allowed them to talk it out and I also always remind them that he was a good man before he started using drugs. He loved his two girls more than anything but the drugs made him care more about his next 'fix', and they took him away from his girls. Just love the kids through it, if they need counseling get it for them. Be there for them and remember even if they seem ok it still is something they will be dealing with forever.

there are so many resources out there for children dealing with divorce. but there is no set "fix it". every family has to deal with their issues in a way that fits them. and most likely, the first thing you try won't be the right one or the best one.

my marriage was mentally abusive. my ex is an alcholic. didn't get physical until the day he moved out with is personal belonging in the back of a squad car. i still can't believe i let it get to that point but i believed at the time that i could love him through it. and i believed that he would wake up one day and realize that his chldren were worth more than what he was giving them.

my son suffered the most visibly. he has anger issues and battles depression to this day. we sought out professional counseling for him, it worked for a while but with his dad telling him counseling was for crazy people, we found it counter productive.

My daughter was the typical super trooper older sister. She really has not dealt with it until just recently. She was in take care of mom and brother mode in the past. But as the teenager began to emerge, so did her anger and resentment. i never really got into it with them what our specific issues were, they just knew that daddy drank all the time and that when he did, he liked to scream and yell. so one day in the middle of a typical mom/teenager argument, she accused me of driving away her father. well hurt took over and i let it fly, i told her probably more than i should have but it seemed to be a break through for both of us. she said she knew about everything that i was telling her but that she just didn't want to believe it.

i do not believe children ever "get over" a divorce. i believe they learn to deal with it but i believe it affects every choice and decision they will make for the rest of their lives, good and bad.

it is our faith that has brought us this far. we trust that God is always in control unless we make choices that take us off of his path. we remained very very close to our church friends and family, and i think most importantly, we counseled with our pastor. the kids were close to him already and they trusted him more than the stranger at the "dr's office". and they knew that he already knew all the bad stuff, they didn't have to fill him in.

along with our church, we remained consistent. nothing changed in our home other than there was a new peace. we did play a lot more too. it's amazing how fun comes back when stress leaves.

don't get me wrong, we still battle with their father almost monthly if not weekly but they are older now and have formed their own educated opinions about how things work with him and finally, i am seeing that my pastor and the counselors were right. if i stayed the course and continued to parent them like i always had, they would be fine. they are so resilient and really do give love unconditionally.

My situation is different than the others mentioned so far.
My ex-h just decided he didn't want to be married anymore. Yes, we had our problems, and we were in a rocky point in our marriage, but he bailed out instead of working through it. Every reason he gave was a stupid one. Like "I am tired of fighting over money or being the only one making money" or he would say that he didn't like something that I did. I would always respond to him that people don't get divorced over those reasons, they work through them. But it didn't matter, he already had it in his mind that life for him would be better without me in it.
My kids were 4 and 18 months when we separated. We were living in Gitmo, on the US Navy Base in Cuba. I had to move myself and 2 kids home and start all over again. The first 2-2.5 years were really tough for me.
But the kids took it different ways. My son took it hard, since he was the older. He formed extreme separation anxiety. He didn't want me to out of his sight and if I was, I had to give him a full break down of everything I was doing, when I was leaving and when I was going to be home.
With alot love and support, he has almost gotten through it 4 years later.
My daughter being the younger of the two and more independent, hasn't shown any ill effects. She seemed to just go with it and not freaked out about anything. She is now 5 and sometimes I can start to see some questions about why her dad isn't with us, especially now that she is seeing other kids with their dads and some of her friends ask her where her dad is at.
While their dad has never really been abusive, he also isn't there as much as he should be for someone that is capable of being there for his kids. Overall though he loves them and sees them a few times a year. Calls about once a month or so.
My kids have adjusted very well because their dad, nor I, talk bad about each other in front of them and have both done as well as we can to keep them from the details of our divorce.

The biggest thing is you can never give too much of is love to your kids, weather you are divorced or not. And when a relationship is on the rocks, separating or getting a divorce, the kids need more support and assurance than normal. I think sometimes that is extremely hard to remember and do when the parent themself is so stressed and not sure what to do. But all you have to do is love them and do your best to make them feel secure. Keep a predictable life for them as much as you can and pray for the best.