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There is ONE child in our neighborhood who comes over to play with Macy and I ran into a situation with her. She comes over almost every day, unannounced but that is another discussion, and stays for 3-4 hours at a time. I have to get hubby to walk her home so we can have dinner (what about her family's dinner time, bath time, etc? I KNOW!) So she is over and I had told her previously that if she found a shark tooth at the beach, I would make her a necklace (that's what I do by the way). She comes into the kitchen where I am working and takes off for all of 90 seconds, comes back with a tooth and says "I found this at the beach yesterday". I look at the tooth and know right away she got it off the top of the knee wall at the entry to the living room where I laid it when I found it outside. I said "When you went to the beach yesterday? You came here right after school (she is 6) and didn't go home until almost 7:30, so when did you go to the beach?" She claims they went 'last night' and I also know her Mom worked until after 9pm so I know the child is lying. I walked into our foyer and said, "You know, that tooth looks a lot like the one I laid up here on this wall when I found it a couple of days ago. And in fact, that tooth is now missing." but she sticks to her tale. I moved everything possible where the tooth may have fallen, and of course it is not there. I gave her 2 more chances to tell me the truth but she insisted she found it at the beach and once even asked "What tooth?" So I told her that I knew she was lying (to which she replies 'I never lie') and that I don't appreciate her lying nor will I tolerate it in my house so she needs to go home. She actually walks over to the wall, bends down and gets the tooth out of her pocket and exclaims "Here is your tooth!" but I told her that was not going to work and sent her home.

Am I expecting too much? This is not the first time she has lied about stuff and on top of that she is now trying to get Macy to ask for treats for her and if Macy can give her toys away to her friend!!

You were right on the money. You absolutely need to nip these things in the bud. Perhaps by doing this she will change her behavior in your home, since she knows you won't tolerate it.

Oh Michelle you have a situation don't you. If you are a mom like me you will deal with these scenarios all throughout raising your kids. It sounds like she clings to your family because you offer her structure and attention that she doesn't get at home. That aside, now you have a problem because she isn't your child but she is placing you in a position of needing to discipline her. You need to be careful of the influence she may have on Macy. I know it is probably not much help from how you describe them but have you spoken to the parents about this? I can't believe parents would let their 6 year old run around the neighborhood like that! I would bet that if you spoke to the parents their solution would be to tell you their daughter won't be at your house anymore...instead of dealing with the behavioral problems the girl is having they will just avoid it for now.Do you know the parents well or just as neighborly aquiantances?? I guess all of this depends on how I would try to handle the situation.

You are NOT expecting too much. Just keep in mind the negative influence she may have on your kids. I know you want to be a good influence for this little girl..and I have a feeling even though she is lying and being a bit naughty that you are sort of a safe haven for her too....

Good luck...it's a tough one..

Thanks Nate and Karen, I did need to hear that I didn't handle it poorly. As for her home life, while I am not "in the know" there are so many things you just know whether you see them or not. Her Mom works long hours and right now is the only working parent. Her Dad is a nice guy and all, but he does seem to not really make her a priority knowing that Mom is working so much. He is a handyman and very good at what he does, but not gainfully employed in a long time and that has to hurt a lot of ways. The daughter is a good enough kid, I just think she has never really had much in the way of structure and/or maybe her parents are not the type to talk to easily and just ask for what you want. I would have gladly made her the necklace had she just been honest. It isn't as if we don't have shark teeth by the hundreds all over the place so that was not the point, I just cannot stand a liar and I won't let my kids get away with it either. I know, they will do it but that doesn't mean I have to condone it.

I do feel bad for her home environment, but I have to stop myself and say, 'that's not your area of concern' so I don't poke my nose in where its not appreciated. I know one afternoon her Mom rang our bell and asked if she was here because she had no idea the child had left the house! I've sent home with her a note with our names, phone number for home and cell so if her parents need me to watch her for them, they could surely call and ask. I agree that if I speak to them, the likely answer will be that she is not allowed over again and that's not fair nor my intent. It is sad and I hate being the one to step up and deal with it, but I will do it. We don't really know her parents that well, although Dad has come over and sat to have a couple beers and BS with hubby. I have invited Mom over several times but she has never come.

I did take the extra step to explain to Macy why her friend had to go home and ask her if she understood. Even now she is planning for her friend to come over today and I am not sure if she will or not, which breaks my heart.

This is a really sad situation!

I personally feel as a parent that if my child did something like this, I would want to know. My children are generally well behaved and I would hope that they know not to do something like this. However, the child is still only 6. Every child has lapses in judgment. It does sound as if her home environment is contributing to her behavior, but her parents are still her parents. They need to deal with this situation and you aren't allowing them to do so if you keep this from them.

If I were you, I would approach the parent/s and explain to them that while you love having their daughter visit, you feel they need to be made aware of this situation. Then stress to them that you can't wait to have her over again sometime. I definitely don't think you handled things badly at all when you spoke directly to the child.

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Originally posted by Casmly:
If I were you, I would approach the parent/s and explain to them that while you love having their daughter visit, you feel they need to be made aware of this situation. Then stress to them that you can't wait to have her over again sometime. I definitely don't think you handled things badly at all when you spoke directly to the child.

I actually plan to go over to their house this weekend and talk to them because I also think they have the responsibility to know this behavior is causing an issue (whether or not they do anything about it) but also because I have no idea what was said to them by the child, if anything. I don't want them to think I screamed at her, called her names or that Macy got her into trouble and while I doubt the story got that out of hand, who is to say? I would expect another parent to advise me if my kids did this as well.

I agree that all kids can and will have lapses in judgement but when I gave her 3 chances to tell the truth and she didn't, it really spoke volumes and said to me that either she isn't taught right from wrong or that lying is accepted because the parents can't be bothered. Sad either way.

Thanks for all of the input, it does help to hear how others would handle things.

quote:

I agree that all kids can and will have lapses in judgement but when I gave her 3 chances to tell the truth and she didn't, it really spoke volumes and said to me that either she isn't taught right from wrong or that lying is accepted because the parents can't be bothered. Sad either way.

I completely agree that things don't seem to be quite right at home. I think setting her straight was definitely the right thing to do. Good call! Good luck talking to the parents. Hopefully some good will come of it.

Man what a tough situation Michelle. That is tough. First off, you are wonderful for letting the little girl come and spend so much time at your house. Obviously she needs attention and structure, which she is not getting at home (from what I can tell).

It's so sad to hear there are times the mom doesn't even know where her daughter is. I can't even imagine not knowing where my daughter was.

I think you handled the situation VERY well. And I think at least mentioning it to her parents is a wonderful idea. Her parents need to know what is going on - whether they care to know or not.

I hope the talk goes well. Let us know.

Michelle, you're a great mom for opening up your home to this child who obviously is looking for some type of home environment where she can play and feel safe. But ... if she's going to be in your home, she needs to follow your rules.

Since she hasn't, maybe she should not come over for a day or two so she realizes that there are consequences when breaking the rules -- nothing permanent, just a day or two since this sounds like the first offense. Then, of course, let her parents know what happened. They need to know -- even if they don't do anything about it.

Well so far my efforts have proven fruitless. I tried to catch the parents at home this weekend but they ducked me twice. I know at least Dad was home as his truck was there and I saw him outside but no one came to the door. Now I am not sure what to do.

Thats terrible Michelle! Has the little girl been over to play again?

No Karen, I've seen her out riding her bike and playing in their side yard but she hasn't come over. I am keeping an eye open for her today and I will just go and ask her if she wants to come back over and tell her she needs to ask mom or dad and when they open the door, I will just make my move then. Hate to ambush people but its riding my conscience hard!

We just had new neighbors move in. Their little girl who I guess is about 7 maybe 8 comes over to play in the back yard but we haven't met the parents and that makes me uncomfortable. How do they know we aren't monsters or child molesters? If my daughter was going to play at their house, I'd sure as heck introduce myself.

It seems crazy to me to think that parents would just let their children go play at a house when they know nothing about who lives there! I wish we lived in a society where we could trust everyone, but sadly, we don't. Good thing the little girl decided to play in your yard, Kristin, and not that of someone who would want to hurt a child!

Michelle...that sounds like a good plan to me...keep us updated!


Kristen! This is a major pet peeve of mine!! Even though my two older girls are teens now I STILL have to meet the parents,(more than just a handshake and hello), AND go inside the home before they can visit. It is just too much of a risk to not check. We had a major battle for awhile with my 15 year old over this as she thought she was beyond needing hubby and I to check things out before she visited but now things are better.

I can't believe parents of a 7 or 8 year old could be so careless with their child!! Lucky for them (actually for the little girl!) it's you and Nate that live there!!