Ok I know this is not a happy topic and I'll say sorry to anyone who gets upset. I was just reading Brandysmom reply to the fireworks question and then read Suzy's blog 'Fire and Rain' and realized that I have been living in this world of being someone that has lost a prominent loved one by myself for awhile. My family, immediate as in husband and three daughters, does not know what I deal with because it was all before them. I lost my father when I was 18...he died in a plane crash ...he was the captain on the plane. Then when I was 23 I lost my 1st daughter,(from my 1st marriage). She was a full term monitored uncomplicated pregnancy but cardiomyopathy was discovered shortly after birth and she lived only three hours..unable to survive out of the womb...without my support.

So it seems some of us have this in common. It is so unfare when life is so unexpectantly interrupted. You don't ever get over it, your feelings and grief just sort of find their own place in your heart. They stay there in that very special and private place but every so often they are thrust out to the surface, triggered by something...a song in Suzy's case, but it can be anything...a smell, an image, or anything. Sometimes it comes at a very inappropriate time..but we learn to accomodate it, accept it and eventually embrace it and ....remember

It's true that a loved one never quite leave you. I find that I think of the people I've lost in my life at the strangest times -- when I'm driving down the road, when I'm eating dinner -- those people are never out of my mind. Whenever my boys are doing something cute, I often think, "Oh Jayson (a good friend of mine who died) would just love that." or "I wish my grandpa could have seen that."

Kimorg...I can relate...my mom passed away 4 years ago from COPD and emphysema....it has been very hard. She was my best friend and biggest supporter. My daughter was only 3 and doesn't really remember her and my son was born one year and 2 weeks after she died. Oddly enough, my niece was born exactly one month after she died. Sometimes I think it gets easier with time and sometimes I don't...I'm sorry for your losses...I cannot imagine losing a child....
I have also lost all of my grandparents (my grandfathers died before I was born), one of my brothers (to cancer), and 2 aunts. Seems like a lot when I actually think about...I guess I just try not to really let it affect my everyday life...

I've mentioned before, and in replies to Suzy's blogs about the loss of her sister, about the losses in our family. Wow, what a heavy subject, but here goes: Just days after marrying my husband, his dad died...while we were on our honeymoon and had to wait two days to get a flight back to the States. Then, over the next 6 years, between my husband and myself, we lost 6 other close family members: his mom, my uncle, two of my aunts, and my stepdaughter, as well as two miscarriages in 2002 (the second one being the same night that my MIL passed). That's 8 losses in 6 years...a lot to be burdened with. Losing his parents and my aunts and uncles was hard, but there was always that feeling of satisfaction that they had lived long, wonderful lives full of family and love and accomplishment. In losing his daughter and our pregnancies, it was far more painful...that whole feeling of life cut way too short. Even though my pregnancies were in their early stages when I lost them, they were losses nonetheless. I look at my children now and sometimes can't help but wonder about the babies I lost...it's inevitable to wonder like that. And with Angelia's death, well, words cannot express. My heart aches every single day. The pain is immeasurable, the loss is indescribable. You never truly recover, you just manage to go on. Our boys need us, the rest of the family needs us, and Angel wouldn't have it any other way. But, boy, what we would not give to have her back, for even just a day....

God bless all those here who've had to say goodbye.

I understand that Brandy’s death has not really sunk in yet even though it has been almost 7 months.
I can’t see how we are to go on, but at the same time I know we will.
We were and always will be a very close family.
My Dad had 7 sisters and 1 brother ( all of whom are gone now ) and we had family reunions every 3 years growing up, And still do.
Dad always said Family is the most important part of your life.
He was the best man in the whole word.
He died 6 years before Brandy and I know he is with her as well as my Mom and all the Houghton’s.
It is hardest on me when I am alone in my car (I drive her car now) so that makes it even harder.
I didn’t get to spend a lot of time the with her the last year of her life, we worked at the same place and she worked days and I worked nights and we traded kids and cars in the parking lot at 3:30 every afternoon (Wal*Mart DC in Alachua) and I had to go back there and that was really hard….walking through that door was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do knowing she will never walk out of it to me again.

I am at the “If I had known I would have………

Told her “I love you” every time I saw her.

Touched her face just one more time.

Listened to her talk a little longer

I would have told her how proud I was of her.

Spend a weekend away just the two of us.

Baby-sat more often (she was a wonderful Mother)
Hugged her a little tighter before I let go.

Be more understanding when she was in a bad mood.
Cooked her breakfast when I really didn’t have the time.
Kissed her goodnight …the night she left, the last time I saw her alive.

There are 100’s of other would haves …….

I tell people now to tell the ones you love that you love them….hug them more often,
If you want to do something do it, don’t wait till next week or next month. Do it now
You never know when you can’t!

I miss Brandy so very much and I know I am not the only mom who has lost a child I feel for anyone who has

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. Thank you for sharing your experience so that we may all learn from what you have learned. Warm regards, LEW

I have lost loved ones along the years. There never seems to be a good time to say goodbye, even if you are given the opportunity. There are so many "what ifs". But we can just look back at the good memories and be thankful for the time we did get to be with them.

I just found out today that one of my brothers may be dying. If he survives the next 24-48 hours that will be good. I just can't stand the thought of not seeing him again. I moved here from CA in January away from all my family and remember the last time I saw him. We had a GREAT day together. It was with him, me, and my boys.

Oh no! Can you tell us anything more about what is happening??? (I am so sorry to hear this!)

Hi Suzy,

My brother has been an alcoholic for many years, and all the alcohol abuse is catching up to him. To make a long story short, he's had several DUIs and was arrested again a few weeks ago. He's been in the jail hospital, but nobody would tell us what he was being treated for. We assumed it was detox. Well, this morning they finally contacted my dad and my brother had surgery for cirrhosis of the liver, chronic acute pancreatitis, and some sort of issue with the kidneys (all of them alcohol related). Some of the infection has gone to his stomach lining and lungs. Basically if he pulls through within the next day or two, then he'll be fine. They say he only has a 50/50 chance though. It's so heartbreaking, and so many times we thought he was at the end of his rope where he'd finally make some effort to change. I really hope he survives and will finally change his ways and seek help. I love him so much. Even though he has this problem, he has a big heart. In many ways he's been more like a father to me than my brother. I'll keep you all posted

So sorry about your brother. Losing a loved one or dealing with an terminally ill loved one is very difficult. I have had many alcholics in my family and lost my grandfather to the disease along with lung cancer. Today is my MIL's birthday, she died two years ago from complications from breast cancer. The 4th of July is always bittersweet for my husband and FIL b/c it was her favorite holiday and her birthday. I try and get them involved in celebrating b/c that is what she would have done. But it is still difficult and sometimes they just can't get in the mood. I try and respect that and allow them to grieve the way they need to. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel the pain, at least I do. Even if it never goes away. Because it doesn't. I will be thinking of all of you that have lost loved ones and are missing them this holiday. I hope you can still have a somewhat happy 4th.

I feel for all of us who have the pain in our hearts for the loss of our loved ones.
We sometimes feel we are alone, I my self have had alot of help right here talking to all of you.
The pain will never go away, I know we will go on that's what we have to do we have family members here and they need us.

May God bless you all.

This messenge is to the 3MOnkeys

Hi, don't lose hope on your brother yet. I am a proud parent of a child who was born with spina bifinda and has all the related conditions with it. When she was born, the doctors told me to put her into a special home because she would never be able to walk,talk,feed herself or even recognise me. But, I didn't listen to them and loved her. Made sure that she got the best medical care there was out there. Even when it cost me everything-cars, our home, and savings. I did this without the support of family or any other type of help. And no it hasn't been easy. Too many times, doctors were ready to give up on her-- but not me. 30 years later and 48 operations later did we fool the doctors? YES!! She is very social young woman who has even volunter at the Harn at the information booth. Yes, she can feed herself but uses a wheelchair to get around. And yes, I still have to help her out daily living skills. She enjoys life and is always so bright and happy.
Last summer. we found out that she had some serious kidney problems after we had moved away from Gainesville. And once again, it has cost us everything we had including our home to save her kidneys. But it work. And when you stop to think about it, it really was a small price to pay for a pair of kidneys. We are actually moving to Hawthorne in a few weeks so we can be closer to Shands Hosptial.
I have had people who have actually said to me, don't you think she would be better off dead? No way, this whole experience with her has been such a learning experince with me. I love that child more than I could. In the end, I want this messenge to be about hope and not giving up.

So it seems we have lots of support and understanding out here. It's so strange isn't it how we can be in a moment and all of a sudden we are overwhelmed with memories and sadness. A lot of times it is when we are doing something we know a loved one would have enjoyed too.

3monkeys, we have a cousin that is in jail due to a drug/alcohol addiction and it is terrible knowing you can't help them...it is a desicion they have to make on their own. I will pray for your brother and for you. Not only does he have the healing battle to win but then the real battle of overcoming his addiction. Please keep us updated.

I just recently started being able to talk about her to people. I usually just write about it. Holidays are bittersweet for us to. Her daughter will be with us at the beach this weekend, and it makes me sad for her. I wish she was still around to seeing her daughter grow up. I am up for meeting up with some of the other moms who have lost loved ones. Maybe very casually. Maybe we could talk. And maybe we could find healing together. Just a thought. E-mail me if you are interested. Gainesvillemoms@gmail.com

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Suzy Richardson,

I lost my brother 10 years ago next month - he was 47. At the time, his children were 6, 8, and 12. He died from a brain hemorrahge. For the five days he was on life support, our entire family (my parents and the other 5 siblings) and his beautiful wife's parents and other 6 siblings surrounded him. We prayed, we laughed, we told stories that our parents had never heard before, we talked to him constantly, we cried. And on that last day, when we knew we were going to make the hardest decision possible to remove the life support and give him back to God, we told him we would be there to help raise his three kids - they would always know they were part of our family and who he was.

And so, we've focused on keeping him alive in the hearts and minds of his children - not in a macabre sort of way, but in a gentle, "he's with them in a special way". My sister-in-law has remarried, but her new husband is folded into our family - just one more brother-in-law to us. We talk frequently about my brother, have pictures out - one year, I gave each of his kids an old snapshot of my brother from when we were kids at about their same ages. On the back, I typed up the story of each picture, including something special about my brother and how his child was similar to him in that way. Those old black and white snapshots still sit out on his kids' desks, among their childhood treasures.

His kids ask a millian questions about their dad - they know it's ok to ask, their mom never shies away from answering, not do the rest of us. We always tell them how proud their dad is of them. My nephews love to hunt deer, and they're excellent hunters, just like my brother was. We often tease them that their dad is sitting on their shoulders when they bag their deer.

So, as heavy as our hearts still are that we lost our brother (he was 18 months younger than me and I couldn't remember ever NOT having him in my life), we also know that these kids lost their DAD at a very young age - and I think having made that special promise to my brother to make sure these children remained a part of our family (instead of drifting off into the land of ex-in-law-hood away from us) has helped all of us in terms of healing - not just making the promise, but KEEPING that promise. It's been the best way possible for us to honor him - to love his children and his wife.

Do I still miss him? You betcha! Do I wish he was still here to shoot off his own brand of fireworks today? You betcha! Will I ever stop missing him? Never! Will I ever stop hurting? Never! But, I have come to peace with the facts of our lives - and the grief isn't bitter anymore. Sharing what we know of my brother with his children over these past 10 years has kept him alive for us, too.

Each of us will grieve and heal in our own time and way - there is no magic "cure" or "words" that will hurry that process along. The best we can do is stand patiently with those who are grieving and offer our mere presence. Eventually, most of us find our way out of that horrible sadness and regain our purposefulness in life.

I truly hope that each of you who has shared your sadness on this blog will find peace again in your lives.