GainesvilleMoms.com

Do you argue in front of the kids, and how do you choose to argue in front of them? When does arguing become hurtful and when is it okay for a child to see or hear arguing? Tell us your thoughts here.

well, i am not going to lie. sometimes there are small arguements that we do have infront of our kids. things like "hey, want to go to walmart"..."no. i dont"..."come on, go with us"...blah, blah blah...not sure if they even count. but for the most part we try not to. if it looks like something we are going to be "passionate" about, we either take it outside and keep our voices low. or we wait until after the kids are asleep. the advantage of waiting...most times it doesnt seem as bad later. we also try though, to make sure the kids see us praise each other. we (like most couples) go through our rough patches. but we do like to let our kids hear us say "good job" and "thank you" to each other. so far, its working well...our kids are very "positive reinforcement" type of kids to everyone. you dont know how many times while my kids were potty training that i would hear them say to me "way to go mama. you're going potty really good"...now its things cooking dinner "i dont like greenbeans mama, but you're doing a great job cooking them" haha. over all, i dont think that argueing infront of your kids is a great idea but sometimes its unavoidable. if it happens, make sure your kids see you loving each other too...thats my opinion anyway.

as much as i tried to avoid it, we fought constantly in my first marriage and unfortunately a lot of it happened in front of the kids. so...now, it is an agreed upon self imposed rule to never never never fight in front of them. we started to one time and my son came in crying and yelled at us to stop, he didn't want dh to leave. i was mortified. we are so serious about not fighting in front of them now it is almost a joke and keeps us from arguing about stupid stuff at all.

but i do worry, i think respectful disagreements are healthy. i want my children to know we can disagree, discuss it, not be intentionally hurtful and hang on for this one...still love each other. we've talked about it and if they were "our" children from the beginning, we might look at it differently, but because of what the kids have been through, we simply refuse.

There is a difference between an argument and a disagreement (to me). We don't argue in front of the kids, but when we disagree (no yelling, no verbal meanness, short-lived, etc) we make sure the disagreement IS short and it ends well.

When we married almost 19 years ago we pledged not to fight in front of the kids. We both came from dysfunctional nuclear homes and had witnessed our parents fight (verbally). It had scarred both of us and we made a promise not to do 3 things: Not to argue in front of our children, not to allow our kids to play us against each other (we decide nothing without agreeing on it OUT of sight from the kids) and not to divorce. We have had a wonderful marriage and our kids probably don't realize how blessed they are by us making those promises (although I suspect they know deep down).

It's fine for kids to know their parents don't agree on everything. But kids need to know their parents love and RESPECT each other; othewise, it is much more likely (for example) a girl will pick a loser of a husband and a boy will become a loser of a husband. We parents help provide the baggage our kids will carry into their adult relationships so it's our DUTY to be very careful to refrain from poor behavior in front of our children.

I never show any disrespect for my husband in front of the kids and he does the same. If we disagree-that is fine (we do that plenty) and that is often in front of the kids. However, it is never about an emotionally charged subject and we ALWAYS respect one another! If we have something to really hash out and it may get nasty (rarely happens) we do that behind closed doors.

We will occasionally snip at each other, and fights may start out in the open, but ultimately the remainder of the fight will take place behind closed doors. I tell the kids that "mommy and daddy need to talk privately". We have our fight and hubby may sulk in front of the kids for a while. But, most of the hard core stuff is done away from the kids. I make sure that J knows though that it is perfectly normal to fight occasionally. I will have a discussion with her after hubby and I have had our "talk". I let her know that everyone disagrees at some point and that it's healthy to voice your opinions. I also let her know that just because hubby and I fight, doesn't mean we are in any trouble. If we truly were in trouble, I wouldn't tell her that everything is ok. I believe in being truthful. I think I can count the major fights hubby and I have had over our 10 year marriage on my hands.

Well put FLNonny...I agree 100%. Thats pretty much the same way my husband and I are and we have a good marriage too.