GainesvilleMoms.com

So my good friend and her husband adopted an asian child a few years ago (the parents are white). In recent months, my friend has told me about some absolutely awful stories about people looking at the family strangely or making an inappropriate comment because they are interracial. Completely awful i know...thing is I really just don't know what to say sometimes to cheer her up. Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragment?

My guess is that most people give funny looks unintentionally while trying to figure it out why the child doesn't look like his/her parents (maybe the idea of adoption takes a few moments longer for some people to process). There is probably nothing she can do that will change that, but just encourage her that raising a child confident knowing his/her parents' love and commitment for him/her should override any rude looks/comments they may encounter in the future and help them to just brush them off.

When I see parents that appear to have adopted, I may take a second look to stop and admire the family and ponder for a minute what a great person to have done such a wonderful thing and debate doing it myself briefly, before telling myself my hands are already pretty full. So, if I have any particular look on my face, it would be of awe and respect. She may want to consider that her being upset by a stranger’s perceived behavior-could cause the children some anxiety. Perhaps some counseling for her to overcome her concern w/ what others think?

There are definitely times that I probably stare a bit longer than I should at a family that appears to have adopted. I don't do it because I think there is anything wrong with it, quite the opposite. I'm like LEW, I admire families who can do this.

AS the adoptive mother of a racially and ethnically diverse family, I love and appreciate the comments left here. And to the original poster, I will share this: Before our second child joined us, I was realistic enough to realize that looks, stares, comments, questions and sometimes, even outright rudeness could follow my family from time to time, simply because we don't all look like we came out of the same box. And I had to assess within myself whether or not I had the resources, emotional strength and ability to withstand that, to reach out in order to educate, to protect my children, and to get way up on my soapbox from time to time if needed. Luckily, both my husband and I did, and I say luckily, because I cannot imagine our lives without our beautiful, precious children.

I can think of only three times in the last two years that we encountered rudeness. Twice it was just a sneery, snarly look, in a very crowded, public place, to which I responded with the biggest, tooth-iest smile I could muster while holding my son even closer as the haters walked away. And one time was at a public dinner function, where a woman actually said something to my son and even reached out to smack his hand. I won't even go into the details of the volcano that erupted from my husband towards that woman; suffice it to say, she apologized and became rightfully contrite after that.

I do know some adoptive families that are somewhat withdrawn or awkward with their children because of the very situation you describe, and it makes me sad. Families do not have to share biology or look alike to be families. THAT comes from the heart.

I was hoping you would share Jam. You are so loving towards those boys though that it's hard to believe you didn't birth them

Personally, I will admit to double-taking at times. But then I usually realize quickly the situation and mentally praise the loving people who adopt.

My kids aren't adopted and have the same parents and someone made this comment to me: Are they sisters? They don't look alike. DUH

My eyes filled out with tears when reading your two encounters TripleAMom because that is absolutely what my concerns are for my friend. It's strange to me how as a country were so obsessed with the media and celebrities and as we all know Angelina Jolie has adopted children from different countries. Yet I never hear any backlash about, but when I look at a real woman like my friend, it's not always as accepted.

I understand all of your comments though about taking a second look..but she tells me people gawk and stare (in a bad way), and this is absolutely inconceivable how someone could be so inconsiderate and mean, especially to a small child.

Sunny....does your friend belong to an adoption support group? If not, and she's local here in GVL, she has a couple of options to choose from if she'd like to considering joining other adoptive families for support, sharing, events, holidays, etc. And as her friend, just keep giving her and her family all the love and support you can. I'll keep them in my prayers.

Geez, people can be so cruel sometimes. I imagine this situation must be even harder for the child as it grows up. It’s interesting that you bring this point up, because there is a new movie I’ve seen commercials recently about a mother fighting a custody battle for her son where the father’s argument is that he should raise the child because they have the same skin color. I will look into the details and see if I can post about it here. Has anyone seen the same preview recently?

The movie you are referring to is called "What Color Is Love?" It will be showing 8 pm on Sunday night (18th) on Lifetime...I have been patiently waiting to see it!!! Okay Impatiently!!

thanks! I did see the commercial for it again last night but I didn't catch the night or time...I love that it's a true story!

JAM, you said it so well!

As caucasian mom to 2 Asian children, we are used to getting weird looks and rediculous comments at least weekly. They vary from the downright rude to the complete opposit-like we are some kind of saints for having kids. Most people don't adopt out of a sense of charity--they want a family like anyone else.

Our social worker and agency did a good job helping us prepare for the inevitable public comments. Most SW and agencys are happy to serve as post placement resources, so that may be a source of advice for your friend.

Often I've found that the offending stranger is actually interested in adoption, just isn't familiar with positive adoption language. I've ended up giving several people a sticky not with my number and our agency's info after what began as an awkward conversation.

I recently ordered a book that came highly recommended. The W.I.S.E. up Powerbook which deals with how to respond to public reactions and is for both kids and parents.

Like has been said, the local Families with Children from China and Asia and Chosen Families groups are great resources.

What has really helped me is to remember what matters most is not what the yahoo at Walmart thinks, but how your child sees and hears you respond. So when the total stranger demands to know if my kids are "really brother and sister," my kids need to know that we are a real legitimate family and I answer "of course" or "they are now." When said yahoo persists and says "but you know what I mean" I smile and say yes and then sometimes have to walk away. (even though I really want to respond in kind and ask her if all her kids have the same dad to show just how rude the question is!) As my kids get older and start to notice these interactions, I'm really trying to focus on saying what is most important for them!

Hope things get better for your friend. I like to think of it as a small annoyance in exchange for getting to know how amazing adoption is.

JAM and Nicole M, the resources you offered are wonderful. Like in any situation, I believe that if people would educate themselves more on a topic, they would feel more comfortable and know what to (and not to) say to ensure they do not offend. I would hope that the majority of the people do not intend to offend but, do it out of ignorance. Hopefully by educating them, they will know better next time. Also, I guess the parents could look at this as a great opportunity to show their children (through example) how to appropriately handle rudeness. There is a mom in my son’s preschool class who drops off her adopted (Asian) daughter each morning at the same time I drop off my son. I overheard an exchange one day (in front of both women’s children) and I thought she handled it with such grace. A mom said to her “your daughter is so beautiful-is she your daughter”? The mom replied very sweetly, “thank you and of course, and is this your little man?”. My husband and I have considered adopting and we are very interested in the topic-thank you for the great information.

I googled that movie you were talking about CMKRAMER...looks interesting! I will be watching. If anyone else is interested but hasn't seen the commercial I found a link on youtube...

Link

I have been seeing the advertisements on it for weeks now and can't wait to see it!!! I am actually the mother of 2 beautiful biracial children as well...I have received the looks and stares but my idea on it is let them think stare or what ever...doesn't bother me at all!!