GainesvilleMoms.com

Ok. I have to vent this. My best friend met a married man much older than her and since he and his wife are separated and she lives in another city, he moved in with my friend. She was deeply in love and I have helped her realize part of it is because her dad died in a car accident when she was 12 and she never had a father since. This man is wealthy and my friend got prego even though he said he was sterile and has no other children. The baby is almost 2 now and this man will not leave his wife. He visits her every couple weeks and stays the weekend but other than that lives as husband, provider, lover, and father with my friend. Please be slow to judge. She knows she got herself into this mess but he is a great dad so she doesn't know what to do. She is the coolest person I have ever known. She is a much cooler girlfriend than I ever was and would make someone an amazing wife but she is stuck with this man who want to have his cake and eat it too! She deserves so much more but doesn't know how she will ever meet someone now. She feels doomed to forever be "the other woman." She made a mistake but doesn't deserve this her whole life. I want to force her to move away from him but he is really good to her (aside from having a wife) and loves his little girl! Is this hopeless?

First of all I need to say I agree with you Mary...the situation is wrong...and your friend deserves more as well as this mans wife deserves more too. Does the wife even know about your friend?? The problem I see is that it bothers you more than it bothers your friend. It actually sounds like she is quite content in your description. If she doesn't want to leave him you can't force her to. If she left him just trying to do what she thought you thought was best for her you may end up losing her as a friend. Better for you to just be her friend and be there when and if she needs you. Chances are if the wife ever finds out and threatens this man...your friend will lose him....

It seems to me that you and she have discussed it and she knows that what she did was probably sort of wrong. Now she has to be an adult and do what she feels is right for her baby, if that means leaving a loveless relationship behind so be it. The baby will never remember what happened and if the father is truly a good father, he will make a way to see his child.

Yeah, what they said! Sometimes you just have to be the friend and look the other way when your friend is in a bad spot but is unwilling to change it. Be there for her no matter what but understand her choices may not be the ones you wish she would make. Trust me, she will need you.

I do agree with the others. Your friend has to be the one to decide if this situation is working for her. Having a baby makes this decision a bit more complicated than it is already. Maybe remind your friend that it's not just her in this twisted relationship, it's her child as well. Ask her if she's prepared to face the consequences several years down the road if this child doesn't take as kindly to the relationship as she does.

First and foremost just be there for her and as you said, don't judge too harshly. Most likely this isn't going to end well, and she will need a shoulder to cry on.

It's like I tell my BF. "I love and support you. I don't always always agree with your decisions but I'm here for you." Your friend is in a tough spot, that's for sure. Its a hard decision to make ... what's best for the child and what's best for the mom. Girls do need their fathers but mommies need husbands.

If this man could step outside his marriage into a relationship with your fried, what's to stop him from doing the same to your friend, with whom he HASN't taken any vows of fidelity? How does she know for sure he's at the wife's house when he disappears every couple weeks? Maybe there's a third family out there....

Your friend needs to see an attorney to set up a permanent child support agreement right away (if she hasn't already), regardless of whether or not she continues this relationship. Married or not, this father needs to be held legally accountable for supporting his child. And when he moves on, which he has proven he knows how to do, the little girl will at least be financially protected.

All of the writers are correct here - your friend will need you to be there. Always being the "second-class/choice" woman in a relationship will be very difficult for her.

If I had to guess, there is more to the story here. You mean to say he has a wife that is OK w/ him coming home for a random weekend here and there? If lies to his wife, he could be less than truthful w/ your friend too. I suggest a therapist for the friend (inevitable self esteem issues) and a ticket out of town to start over. That is no way to live.

It is always a wonder to me why some men and women pursue dead-end no-resolution relationships like this one. It's not like love cannot exist in this situation--the man may love this woman as well as his wife very much--but your friend is chasing a waterfall. Is she insecure? Obviously she is trying to fill her father's role, but to the extent of self-destruction? And the child is oblivious now, but it won't be that many years before she can tell that there is something off. With all of this said, I am sure that your friend is very aware of the situation and how it looks and what it is doing to her. However, "love" makes any situation liveable if someone is willing to keep it going.

She will end up heart-broken because even if things go her way, there will be resentment of what's already happened as well as another woman in the picture to deal with forever. You can give her advice, but you cannot tell her how to live. Also, you can only hear about her problems and heartbreak for so long before you will realize that she is not helping herself, and that is frustrating. Try hard to be a supportive friend without enabling her to just sit there and complain about what she CAN change. If it seems that you two's relationship is 50% or more about dealing/talking about her problems with this man and their child, it's time to decide if it's emotionally healthy for you. I only say this because I have been caught up very deeply in other's drama before only to realize that THEIR issues were bringing ME down, and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sandy

Lot's of women are afraid that they'll never find true love so they hold onto the only person who's paying them any attention. So they allow themselves to be stuck but complain to others about how miserable they are. It's a vicious cycle.

I had a friend who was in a dead-end relationship. Not with a married man but with a man that never had any intention of marrying her. She hung onto this relationship for 7 years until she finally met someone else and then gradually realized that she was missing life by sitting and waiting for something that was never going to happen.

Unfortunately through all of her crying and calling out to me for advice she wound up resenting me for my blunt responses and it caused a great rift between us. I believed I was giving tough love and she eventually saw me as beinh holier-than-though so it's a narrow road to walk. Were your friend my friend I'd continue to be there for her but be sure that she knew that only SHE can change things if she REALLY wants to.

I agree with others that your friend appears to have some issues regarding her self-esteem as well as some parent-child baggage that she should seek help for. Therapy would really help her with this problem and would probably allow her to see things in a different, healthier light.

By continuing to let this man come and go as he pleases she is doing herself, and her daughter, no favors. She's actually teaching her daughter how to let a man treat her but it won't be evident for years. Instead of thinking of herself she should be thinking of her daughter, IMHO.